Different Thoughts and Realizations in life: A blog

I woke up so early just to be in time for work that I had at exactly 5 am. I mentioned to my supervisor not to give me shifts at that time since my bus does not start until past 5 am, but then she had to ask me directly whether I could do it just for this day. I decided to agree just for this once since it is expensive to take an uber all the time, and it doesn’t make sense for me since I am trying to save money. 

I never finished my thoughts on this application since I continue writing this on a different week. I’ve made so many poor financial decisions for the past few days, and I do not know if I regret it or not. 

I am aware of the decisions I’ve made, and I know sometimes those are not for the best, but I think there is this tingling feeling that I should be doing it even though I know it would not be helpful for me. My coping mechanisms aren’t the best per se, but I think it is not that bad compared to other choices since it would only affect the financial aspect of my life. 

I also realized that I always wanted to look clean and put together all the time, and if I don’t feel and look good, my mood tends to go down. This is apparently bad for me as well since I rely upon my mood with it, and it is not every day I would feel like it. My motivation level goes down, and I feel like shit all day. 

I have massive insecurities on all levels of my life. When it comes to my looks, I feel like moving here to Canada also made me feel like I don’t look good because of the different beauty standards. I feel like I was an 8 or 9 in the Philippines, but here, I feel like a 4 or 5. I never understood the colonial mentality back home, but then here, I realized how it affected me so much. I think it is also one reason I could never stay here for a long time. I do not even know if I will be here for good. The money is good, and the opportunities are much better in this country, which everyone knows already, but then I am still not happy.

It’s been over one year since I moved here, and I am still unhappy with my life here. I could buy things I want already, and there are material things that I aspired to have in the past that I currently own now, but it is still not enough. 

I think this is a good coping mechanism since I still am not going to therapy for this, but I am already planning to go to one if I am not too lazy to do it. I already talked about this matter to my cousin’s girlfriend since she seems to be more understanding about this type of thing. 

I honestly think if I had a good set of friends here in Edmonton, a lot of my problems would be less since I would have distractions and a support system that I could talk to. I think being alone with my thoughts all the time makes me do things that I sometimes would not approve of and do it anyway. I have met many people here in Canada already, but there was no one who I could “click” with, and I think I am getting so used to being alone. I had a hard time getting a group of friends back home due to my personality, but I eventually got one that I love to hang out with. I honestly think it was interesting that in university, I got so many friends and acquaintances, but when I moved here, there was a big shift in that aspect of my life. 

 

I still feel frustrated all time, and I thought it would change by the time I am settled in this country, but it honestly doesn’t. I have so many aspirations and dreams for myself, and I get so mad when I don’t achieve any of those. 

 

I finished my group presentation on one of the subjects I was required to take, and I realized something that made me a bit happy to myself. I feel like If I am not talking about myself or anything about my life, and it’s something that I have knowledge of, I can already be confident enough to talk with an audience. I think working in the service industry made that improvement of mine, and I can be an extrovert if I really want to.

I still have one presentation to do next week for another class, and I’m pretty sure I would be confident enough as well to do the presentation since I actually put effort into my part for that paper and made sure that the information I got was accurate. 

I am writing right now in a coffee shop called Credo cafe near Jasper Avenue since I was debating whether to go to Kingsway or Whyte Avenue to go to Lululemon and buy clothes because of Black Friday deals. 

I got an invite to go to a birthday dinner tomorrow from a friend of mine that goes to MacEwan, and I am not sure if I want to go or not. I think it’s going to be awkward for me since the party will consist of people who I don’t really know, and I’ll just be there because of her. 

I forgot to say that one of my classmates in the class where I had my presentation talked to me, and I felt great after talking with her, even though it was just for a moment. I had her in my marketing class as well last winter term, and we didn’t really talk, but I know her face since she is quite active in class. She complimented our presentation, saying it was good and that she really loved my outfit. I felt that it wasn’t a good thing if I were, say, a straight guy, but we know that I am not. 

I went to West Edmonton Mall today to check the black Friday deals, and at first, I thought I was going to buy a lot in UniQlo, but they don’t really have good sales, so I went over to Lululemon. I already knew that I was going to spend a lot of money there since that was my plan, to be honest, but then I had over 6 or 7 pieces of clothing in my hands while I was waiting for the cashier, and I thought I am not going to buy the two shorts I was holding to (it was an At Ease Shorts and Liner Pace Breakers). I am not really gonna use it for a long time since it will be a while to have warm weather in this country. I bought two t-shirts I was eyeing before the sales and was really glad that it was on sale and my size as well. I bought another half-zip sweater that I also loved before it was on sale. The only piece I was thinking of returning is the City Sweat Hoodie because of the color. I honestly think I would return it if I still didn’t like it by Sunday since I could exchange it for another one. 

I am going to end this blog post by sharing that I met up with a guy I already hooked up with the last august. He randomly decided to call me earlier, around 9 am, and I think he saw that I’d seen his Snapchat stories. I messaged him, saying I was just so sorry for ghosting him like that. I don’t know what came over me, and I decided to meet with him again, but I think it’s because I always so his stories on Snapchat. It was a good experience; I guess meeting him again since his place is nice, but it was just so far from my place that it’s inconvenient to go to. I was about to cry when we entered because it was so thick. After that, he ordered donair for the both of us and watched some movies on Netflix and a series called Blood Sex and Royal.

This post is pretty random stories and thoughts of mine from different places, and I know if someone reads this, they would be so confused because it is all over the place. I hope this was entertaining, though. 

Roiji